This has been bothering me

Have you ever seen one of those commercials where they promise something like "We'll match any competitor's price or your ____ is free!"? I've never understood that.

I keep hearing this one ad for a mattress store and it's driving me crazy. They claim: "At Sit 'n Save we'll beat anyone's price or your mattress is FREEEE!"

Seriously. I don't get it. The first half is fine. They have competitive prices and that's just dandy. But is there actually any price that they, for some inexplicable reason, are unable to beat? Because from a business standpoint, that just doesn't make any sense. Will they ever really say, "Oohhh...The Sleep Depot is selling this mattress for only $219? Shit. Yeah, you got us. We can't beat that. That is one unbeatable price. Well, here's your free mattress."

Unless someone else is selling mattresses for 1 penny, I don't see when a deal like this would ever result in getting something for free.

Home Alone

I was talking to Joe last night about the movie Home Alone. I think it was because Joe said he was home alone. Whatever.

I was 6 years old when the movie came out and I saw it in the theater with my next-door neighbor, Erica. Now I'm pretty sure I fell within the target demographic for this movie, but I really didn't enjoy the experience. Did anyone else think that this Kevin kid was supremely fucked up? I mean, yeah, you've got to defend yourself from the would-be burglars, and it's great that you're such a cunning 8-year-old, but as far as I can remember they didn't seem like violent criminals. Did these mildly threatening thieves really deserve such a brutal beating from this sadistic little shit?

I know I was a sort of sensitive kid. When I was in first grade, my bus driver honked the horn at me for crossing the street before he gave me the signal to go, and I cried for what was probably a week or so, and refused to ride the bus anymore. But it was a bus horn, which is scarier than a regular horn. But still, I think even a normal person should be more disturbed than amused by the torturous antics in Home Alone. Being pummeled in the face by paint cans and burned by hot irons and, I believe, somehow tarred and feathered? Seems a little on the extreme side if you ask me.

They were just a couple of lovably bumbling burglars. Probably down on their luck, needed some holiday cash, and they have the bad luck to cross paths with this horrible child that gets off on inflicting pain. Hardly a "family comedy" in my opinion.

And by the by, is anyone aware that this movie was nominated for 2 Oscars? I've been doing some research on imdb and I came across that little tidbit. Yeah, it was for the music, and yeah John Williams apparently did it, but still! From now on, I think it is imperative that Home Alone always be referred to as "the Academy Award-nominated Home Alone." Although, I realize not many people (other than me) are still talking about the Academy Award-nominated Home Alone in 2008, but just keep that in mind should it come up at a cocktail party or whatever.

My point is that this was a traumatizing part of my childhood, rather than a delightful romp, and I did NOT see Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

A blessing

I have a real sneezing problem. Mainly, in that I sneeze a jazillion times a day. It's brought on by the unfortunate combination of being allergic to everything while also having an inexplicable desire to smell everything I encounter in everyday life. It's a recipe for disaster.

When I spray perfume, I like to walk through the mist while inhaling the delicious smell molecules, inevitably leading to a 5-minute sneeze-fest. I bring it upon myself, I know. But most of the things I like to smell are probably pretty damaging to whatever "brain cells" I have. If a label says "Use only in a well-ventilated area," I'm pretty much guaranteed to like the smell of it. Cleaning supplies, instant hand sanitizer, and permanent markers totally kick the asses of flowers and cinammon rolls and whatever normal people enjoy.

When I was younger, I used to steal the Lemon Palmolive dishwasher detergent from the kitchen and take it to my room so that I could smell it at my leisure. Sad. I know. But it's so f-ing refreshing! Anyways, I'm pretty sure you can't get high or damage your brain with dishwasher detergent, but it also won't make you any friends. Probably. We'll see.

I don't know if anyone else out there shares my passion for dangerous smells, but I'm going to share this with you anyways. Pass it on if you know someone that smells of rubbing alcohol.These aromatherapy scent inhalers do not smell like bleach or hand sanitizer. But they do smell. And I have learned to love them. I currently have three in my purse. Ignore the fact that they have names like "gratitude" and "inner peace." They all smell sort of alike, but I am totally hooked. I don't know that they really create "positive thoughts to heal the nation", but I do probably owe the fine hippies at Earth Solutions my last remaining brain cells. Also, Pat's mom, because she bought them for us last Christmas. I'm a big fan of Lucid Dreams and World Peace.

I need to stop watching The View

I can't help it. If I happen to be home at 10 am, I have to watch The View. I hate/love/hate/love/hate/hate it so much. Their discussions of hot topics are so maddeningly delicious. If you've never had the pleasure-pain, let me explain. Hot topics is the first 10 minutes or so of the show. The ladies sit around and discuss whatever awesome scandalous issue the news is most saturated with at the present. They weigh in on controversial non-news like teens having plastic surgery or the Marilyn Monroe sex tape, but it in the end it usually leads back to Elisabeth (she's the young blond Republican one) somehow defending Bush and the war and John McCain and then everyone else yells at her and Barbara Walters mispronounces something and makes a self-deprecating joke about how old she is. In short, it is must-see tv.

Anyways, this week, they got to gabbing about everyone's favorite mid-April topic: taxes. Finally, something we can all agree on. Taxes are the worst. Doing taxes, paying taxes, the whole shebang. Uncle Sam gets way too much of our money. And what do we get for it?

I mean other than roads, schools, law enforcement, medicare, medicaid, crap like that. Yes, it goes to the military as well. "Boooo," says everyone but Elisabeth. Anyways, it's not a very hot topic in my opinion.

But then, Whoopi Goldberg turns up the heat. She makes the assertion that it isn't fair that she, a celebrity of all people, should have to pay so much in taxes. She calls it her "celebrity tax." Wait what? I'm not an expert on the matter, but I'm fairly sure that celebrities don't pay special taxes just because their jobs aren't very hard. I think what she means is ever since she became famous she started making lots of money that she doesn't really deserve. Now, I don't know how much Whoopi makes in a year, but I guarantee it's too much. So she has to pay taxes. Don't you feel bad for her? She gets paid exorbitant amounts of money to sit around talking and doing other non-work and then the government has the audacity to make her contribute to society. Outrageous!

In the interest of full disclosure, I got a return on my taxes, so maybe that's why I don't share her outrage. But to be even more honest, I made approximately 13,000 dollars last year. So maybe that's part of it as well.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I used to sort of respect Whoopi. At least in relative terms, compared to other co-hosts of The View. She was all cool and weird and she doesn't wear makeup or even yell at Elisabeth every time she says something retarded. But now I hate for being a whiny celebrity complainer-face. And I don't like to hate people. But she leaves me no choice. So sorry, Whoop, you're on my list.

Fighting back

I'm not much of a fighter. And holding a grudge really requires a lot more dedication than I can usually muster up. But yesterday, a really terrible smoothie inspired me to get back to my roots and write a letter of complaint. So watch out, Baskin Robbins, for you will feel my mild wrath. Nobody charges me (or Pat, rather) $4.69 for a small Fruit Blast made with tainted mango concentrate, and gets away with it.

The point is, if you're going to Baskin Robbins (which I don't recommend beacuse their sundaes contain approximately 8 bagillion calories and 900 grams of fat), don't get a smoothie. Even if it's insanely hot and your insides are burning and you just want something cold and fruity.

Anyways, I was just riled enough to go home and write a letter of complaint. Maybe it was the injustice, or maybe I was suffering from heat stroke, I don't know. But I wrote a letter and it's going in the mail today. Unfortunately, I only made it halfway through my letter to Kellogg's about the new packaging for Corn Pops, before returning to my normal apathetic state. (By the way, does anyone else know what I'm talking about? Corn Pops used to have the most awesome durable foil-lined bag and they finally replaced it with a much less awesome one. I tried to explain the bag tragedy to someone at work today and they said, "What are Corn Pops?") (And yes, my life is this sad.)

I'll let you know when I get a response from BR.

I'm confused

So there's this billboard by my house for Tillamook cheese. And while I have nothing against the people at Tillamook, I am totally baffled by their new advertisement. It pictures a bag of pre-shredded cheese - you know, the kind that's been around for a number of years/decades, and it says something like "Introducing: Tillamook SHREDS." Then in the corner it proclaims, "99.9 percent convenient!"

I guess I appreciate their honesty, because truth be told, it's probably not 100% convenient. You still have to open the bag, I suppose. And sometimes when the bag says "tear here" it tears off too high and you have to cut it with scissors anyways. But on those occasions, I'd say it's probably 96% convenient at best. So why the deduction of a tenth of a percent of convenience? I'm no statistician so I don't know if this is some sort of margin of error thing or what. I don't remember how that stuff works because every time someone tries to explain math to me I cry for three days. But come on, Tillamook. I'd really like to know, why not a round 100 percent? This is advertising. I don't really believe that Kix was tested on children and approved of by all their mothers, but it sounds good so we let it slide.