Topless Bikini
Like any periodically employed person, I try to manage my money wisely. I keep a very close watch on my finances, and that is how I knew that I was not spending enough on bikinis. Now don't you worry - I made sure to rectify that problem. I did find a new bikini. And it was good and overpriced. (Thanks, Victoria's Secret!) But in my quest for sexy beachwear I found something that is neither sexy nor beachwear.
"THE TOPLESS BIKINI."
Where to begin? Where to begin? Well, I guess we can start with the obvious - that being, aren't all bikinis equipped with a "removable top"? As I see it, the topless bikini is a simple two-step process: 1. Put on any bikini. 2. Remove top. And for more advanced bikini-wearers, it can be even easier: 1. Put on bikini bottoms. DONE. In fact, the very idea that there might exist a non-removable bikini top makes me rather uneasy. Knowing that a top cannot be removed would certainly make the bikini-purchasing process considerably more stressful.
But moving on, who is wearing this?? And for what occasion? It's probably not engineered for speed swimming. And it hardly seems appropriate for a pool party. Or, at least, not a family one. Though I'll tell you, I've been to a number of pool parties and most small children are very capable of transforming any bikini into a topless/bottomless bikini. My nephew... he has seen some stuff.
So then it must be meant for the beach? If so, you are setting yourself up for some very peculiar tan lines. And it probably doesn't lend itself to playing volleyball or tossing a frisbee around. And while I can't prove this, I sincerely believe that wearing the topless bikini substantially increases the risk of getting attacked by a shark. I mean, really. That's just common sense.
So I think it's safe to say that no one is buying this "bikini" for its utility. So that must mean that it was designed for purely aesthetic reasons. Which begs the question: why is it so hideous??? Honestly! Is this not the most hideous way a woman could possibly manage to be topless? Why must there be a weird, thin strip of fabric leading up the torso? Are they worried that the bottoms might spontaneously fall off, so they needed a way to secure them around the neck? Or worse, that without it, no one would realize that the breasts are exposed? From what I understand, it is fairly simple to spot a woman's exposed breasts. Or so I've read. In science books.
And if sexiness is the goal, obscuring the belly button is a huge mistake. An exposed belly button is one of the best ways to achieve instant sexy. Or at least, that is what I assume based on the fact that in all my years of public education, "midriff tops" were always on the dress code's list of prohibited attire. Also, mesh.
I've been losing sleep over this topless bikini. Or maybe my bed is just not very comfortable. But I think it's mostly the bikini.
So if I'm wrong, and someone thinks this is a really flattering swimsuit, please let me know. I just want my world to make sense again. And also, I could probably stand to spend another 39.99.
"THE TOPLESS BIKINI."
Where to begin? Where to begin? Well, I guess we can start with the obvious - that being, aren't all bikinis equipped with a "removable top"? As I see it, the topless bikini is a simple two-step process: 1. Put on any bikini. 2. Remove top. And for more advanced bikini-wearers, it can be even easier: 1. Put on bikini bottoms. DONE. In fact, the very idea that there might exist a non-removable bikini top makes me rather uneasy. Knowing that a top cannot be removed would certainly make the bikini-purchasing process considerably more stressful.
But moving on, who is wearing this?? And for what occasion? It's probably not engineered for speed swimming. And it hardly seems appropriate for a pool party. Or, at least, not a family one. Though I'll tell you, I've been to a number of pool parties and most small children are very capable of transforming any bikini into a topless/bottomless bikini. My nephew... he has seen some stuff.
So then it must be meant for the beach? If so, you are setting yourself up for some very peculiar tan lines. And it probably doesn't lend itself to playing volleyball or tossing a frisbee around. And while I can't prove this, I sincerely believe that wearing the topless bikini substantially increases the risk of getting attacked by a shark. I mean, really. That's just common sense.
So I think it's safe to say that no one is buying this "bikini" for its utility. So that must mean that it was designed for purely aesthetic reasons. Which begs the question: why is it so hideous??? Honestly! Is this not the most hideous way a woman could possibly manage to be topless? Why must there be a weird, thin strip of fabric leading up the torso? Are they worried that the bottoms might spontaneously fall off, so they needed a way to secure them around the neck? Or worse, that without it, no one would realize that the breasts are exposed? From what I understand, it is fairly simple to spot a woman's exposed breasts. Or so I've read. In science books.
And if sexiness is the goal, obscuring the belly button is a huge mistake. An exposed belly button is one of the best ways to achieve instant sexy. Or at least, that is what I assume based on the fact that in all my years of public education, "midriff tops" were always on the dress code's list of prohibited attire. Also, mesh.
I've been losing sleep over this topless bikini. Or maybe my bed is just not very comfortable. But I think it's mostly the bikini.
So if I'm wrong, and someone thinks this is a really flattering swimsuit, please let me know. I just want my world to make sense again. And also, I could probably stand to spend another 39.99.
Labels: crimes against bikinis
posted by lady at 5:16 PM
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