Subway needs to hire me

So, I was reading some Subway Restaurant press releases, you know, like you do. And I don't want to be one of those people, but I really think there's room for improvement. I mean, they get the job done - the media is alerted to important Subway news such as Jared's 3-Point Plan for Fighting Childhood Obesity - but I think they could use some pizazz.

For instance, check out this Subway press release announcing the launch of the Buffalo Chicken Sub:

SUBWAY® ROLLS OUT BUFFALO CHICKEN
-- New Low-Fat Sub Available for a Limited Time --
A spicy addition to the SUBWAY® submarine sandwich chain’s roster of low-fat and great tasting sandwiches will be available for a limited time only (from Sept. 25th to Nov. 16th, 2009) as the brand rolls out its new Buffalo Chicken submarine sandwich.

As a six-inch sub with seven grams of fat, the Buffalo Chicken sub fits in well with the variety of low-fat offerings available as part of the SUBWAY FRESH Fit® meal choices, which combine lowfat, six-inch submarine sandwiches with healthier-for-you sides, such as baked chips, apple slices, yogurt, diet drinks or bottled water. In addition, the sandwich will be available as a $5 footlong sub at participating locations.

“We take tender strips of chicken, tossed with a spicy Buffalo sauce and serve it on our freshbaked bread with lettuce, tomato, green pepper and top everything with a light creamy ranch dressing that not only provides the flavor profile a sandwich like this demands, but is also low-fat,” said Chris Martone, Executive Chef for the SUBWAY® brand.

Chef Chris noted, “We knew that creating a Buffalo Chicken submarine sandwich would raise expectations among our loyal customers, as well as fans of spicy Buffalo chicken dishes from around the country, so we were careful to create the ideal recipe using the perfect ingredients - to make this a winner for both consumers who wanted to enjoy this as a full-flavor sandwich, as well as those looking for low-fat meal options.”

The Buffalo Chicken sub is being introduced nationwide after extensive testing in selected markets where it was well received; frequently turning into a customer favorite.

Snooze. Am I right?

If I might, Subway, here's what I think you're really trying to say:

SUBWAY DOES THE UNTHNKABLE, ROLLS OUT BUFFALO CHICKEN SUB. THAT'S RIGHT, BUFFALO CHICKEN.
You didn't think it was possible. There are already so many delicious subs to choose from. But hold onto your pants, party people, because there's a new sub in town.

And if your mind isn't already completely blown, get this - it is low fat AND it tastes like an awesome sub.

Hey, so, have you ever heard of chicken? Of course you have. But have you ever heard of Buffalo chicken? No? Well, check it out - it's still chicken, but it's spicy.

It's crazy - we know. But guess what? It doesn't end there. We take that spicy chicken, and using our secret Subway recipe, we turn it into a sandwich. That's right. We put it on bread. Then we add some lettuce. And then we add some other various sandwich accoutrements.

When we approached Chef Chris with this idea, he was all like, "Woah. WOAH. Guys, listen up. There are a lot of fans of Subway out there, and there are a lot of fans of buffalo chicken in general. By adding this Buffalo Chicken sub to Subway's menu, we are treading some very dangerous waters. I mean, if we were dealing with people that have never experienced the nirvana that is Subway, or maybe people that have never had buffalo chicken, that would be one thing. But these people, they're no dummies. What I'm saying is, let's not fuck it up."

And we didn't. And for a limited time, you're welcome.

Oh and P.S. - apple slices are healthier than potato chips.