Dream Job

I was doing my normal search for jobs, hoping to find one that might allow me to stay at home in my sweatpants, when I came across this gem: Editorial Assistant at Tiger Beat magazine.

Here's the cover letter I wrote. I think I'm a shoe-in.

To the Editor of Tiger Beat :

I learned of the Editorial Assistant position at Tiger Beat through what I can only imagine to be divine intervention. There I was, halfheartedly searching for jobs that I might apply for only to put them on my unemployment claim form, when there it was - a glimmering beacon of hope in my otherwise grey and dreary existence.

To say that this is a dream job is something of an understatement. My dreams normally consist of horrible brutal violence against close friends, family members, and the occasional minor celebrity. But working for Tiger Beat magazine is so much more than a dream. It's the dream of every girl I've ever known. (Except for maybe the lesbians.) Ever since I was a little girl, Tiger Beat has been my ultimate news source. I vividly remember playing in my friend Jaime's bedroom in first grade, ripping pages out of your magazine and taping them to her walls. I also remember that Jaime liked to "play house" which usually involved a good deal of spanking. But that's neither here nor there. What I mainly remember is the magazine.

Where would I be today without those clean girlhood fantasies of Jonathon Taylor Thomas? Well, first, I might be attracted to real men, but so what?

I think that I am the ideal candidate for this job. Not only do I understand the psyche of tween girls, but I understand what it is to LOVE tween boys, as well as much older men that portray tween boys on television.

Sincerely,

Bean Quincy Adams