Flashback Friday: Painful Edition

I have a code by which I live my life. It consists of just one very basic principle: You should never feel compelled when talking to someone to share your thoughts on who you think they resemble. It's harder than it sounds. Sometimes it's really tempting. But there are very few possible outcomes in this situation.

You tell someone that they look like a very attractive/appealing celebrity:
1. Oh, thanks! That person is very attractive/appealing.

You tell someone that they look like a minor and arguably not that attractive celebrity:

2. * Oh, thanks! (*sarcasm, mentally plan to kill self)

You tell a person they look like someone who they have no reason to know, like your best friend in seventh grade's brother.

3. Oh, really? Weird.

I can tell you right now, it is rare for the result to be the first outcome.

My first memory of someone doing this to me is in 5th grade. I can't even remember who it was, but a girl in my class had one of these amazing revelations that she fell compelled to share with me. She told me that I looked like that lady in Hocus Pocus. I was, of course, familiar with the film. It was about three witch sisters that are resurrected after being burned at the stake in the Salem Witch Trials 300 years ago. They proceed to create some amount of havoc in 1993 Salem. The witches were played by Better Midler, Kathy Najimi, and Sarah Jessica Parker.

I didn't know how to react, because I had no idea who this girl could be talking about. I assumed she meant the youngest one, Sarah Jessica Parker. She was definitely the most appealing of the bunch, although that comparison leaves you wondering if you have a huge nose.

No, she said. The one with the red hair.

Bette Midler??

Yes.

I was speechless. I was 10 years old and I'm pretty sure that I didn't resemble Bette Midler, let alone Bette Midler playing an ugly witch with false teeth. I don't know what my classmate was thinking, but I'm pretty sure she wasn't trying to be mean. But she pretty much sent me down a path of trying to look as un-Bette Midler-y as I could for the rest of my life. Which I guess isn't the worst thing, but it was scarring nonetheless.

Then there was the incident in 8th grade English class. Our textbook was full of various excerpts from books and plays and we were about to start reading a portion of The Diary of Anne Frank. Our teacher told us what page to turn to, and there was a short summary of the play, accompanied by a picture of Anne Frank.

Jenny Daugherty took one look at it and called out for all the class to hear, "Look! It's Jeanne!"

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit that in 8th grade, I really did kind of look like Anne Frank. But it's still not the sort of thing you want to acknowledge. Because I really feel bad harboring this kind of resentment toward poor Anne. I know she went through a lot. But then again, she never got compared to Bette Midler, so, you know. I had my own problems.

On a sidenote, when I was 16, I was cast to play Anne Frank's sister, Margot, in a shabby community theater production of that play. I was feeling pretty hot, because the director said I was too pretty to be Anne. But my friend Caitlin thought it was pretty hysterical and often reminded me how confused the audience would be by the fact that someone who looks exactly like Anne Frank was playing a different character.

Anyways, I just want to encourage you to think twice before you tell someone that they remind you of Al Gore or Kirsten Dunst or Celine Dion. Even if you think it's a favorable comparison, it's better left unsaid. Because some people think Jessica Biel is really hot. But I might think she looks like a dude.

Twitter

Have you heard of this Twitter thing? What's that all about? Is it another way for predators to find my children?

I'm just playing. I know what it is. And I don't normally like to join in the discussion on such hot topics as Twitter. Fortunately, I don't really have anything to say about Twitter.

But I kept hearing this sound bite on the radio while I was driving the other day. It was something about Twitter and the guys that started it and the one guy recalls how someone in the early days said about it, "Yeah it's fun, but it's not useful." And then one of the founders retorts, "So is ice cream."

Yeah!

Wait, what?

Ice cream is great and all, and I guess it's not NOT fun. But I don't think it's a very good parallel. I see what you're trying to do. You're saying, "Hey, ice cream might not have a real purpose, but people still buy it and eat it and love it. Our stupid thing is like that." But here's the problem. Twitter is not food.

Ok, Twitter guy. I'll break it down for you. Ice cream is something you eat. Twitter is...not that. Ok, I lied. I don't really get what Twitter is, still. But I DO know that you cannot eat it. To my knowledge, it contains no sugar, cream, or morsels of candy.

It does, however, seem to occupy a lot of people's time. Free time, work time, ice cream time. It's always working its way in there. And I will grant that maybe people might find it fun.

But when you open a carton of ice cream, and bring it to the table, no one goes, "Oh! What fun!"

No, they like it because it tastes good. And sometimes it fills the void that exists deep inside you where love and happiness should be. They might say, "Mmm." Or "Yum." Something along those lines. Or "Aack, this won't make bathing suit shopping any easier!" I guess maybe that last one only applies if you dine with Cathy from "Cathy." But you get it. When describing ice cream, one would tend to use words that indicate that it tastes good.

I'll be straight with you. I don't even like ice cream that much. I mean, I enjoy it when I eat it. But I would rather have some chips and salsa. Like, right now. But I don't think that's tainting my perspective on ice cream. I hear people talk. And I have never heard something call ice cream, "fun."

I'll prove it.

Word I've heard people use to describe ice cream:
Delicious
Decadent
Tasty
Creamy
Lactose-y
Rich
Heavenly
Lip-smacking-tacular

Words I have never heard people use to describe ice cream:
Fun

So now who's smart, Twitter guys? Maybe if you learned some new, more appropriate adjectives, you wouldn't have to boil every thought down to 140 characters. Hm?

The truth about science

I don't know much about science. I know I was taught science for a good many years of my schooling, but I only vaguely remember bits and pieces of it. In elementary school, I remember growing a bean sprout in a wet paper towel. That's probably the only science I can get on board with. It was all downhill after that.

I know that in middle school, we had to do a rock collection. Collecting rocks from a stream in the Metroparks was kind of fun, but today I honestly can't even tell you the three types of rocks. Are there three types? I don't know. Igneous, sedimentary and the other kind. Mesozoic? I have no idea. It's like naming the seven dwarfs. Impossible.

After that, science classes started having labs and labs meant lab partners. (I'm sorry Amy, because you did all of the work for all of our labs in 8th and 9th grade. But if it makes you feel better, you probably know the ins and outs of dissecting an earthworm, an owl pellet, and a crayfish, while I do not.) But labs were good for me, because I think they really allowed my laziness to mature. Before that, I was always trying. But labs taught me that even if you don't try to try, you can still succeed.

I took honors physics my junior year of high school. I wasn't real keen on showing up to school on a regular basis, and after a prolonged period of freqeunt absences, my nice frizzy-haired teacher took me aside to make sure I wasn't dying. I wasn't, but I thought it was nice that she was concerned. Needless to say, I did not learn a lot of physics. On the plus side, I lived.

Anyways, I'm not in school anymore, but I just can't escape it. Society is always forcing this science garbage down our throats. They have a channel on television, for crying out loud. But I don't need it. Because I'm pretty sure I've got a handle on things.

For instance, we've all been here - you walk into a bathroom and it smells... not so fresh. I know my inclination is to stop breathing. But unfortunately, according to SCIENCE, I have to breathe or something will happen, I forget what. Now, I want to breathe through my mouth instead of my nose. But no! If you breathe through your mouth, you will literally draw the smell particles into your mouth. You will eat the poo. And we can't have that. We cannot. So, if possible, you should stretch your shirt over your mouth and nose and breathe your clean chest air. If your shirt does not easily convert to a mask, you can at least hold your sleeve over your face and use that as a makeshift filter. I can't be sure, but I believe these tips have saved many lives.

Or how about we move to the kitchen? Everybody loves some Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, right? It simultaneously fills your needs for sodium, love, and orange dye. And it's delicious. But only for approximately 30 minutes. And then it completely loses all of its cheese-like flavor. Tell me science, why is that? Well, science won't tell you. But I will. You see the cheese powder belongs to the same family as the glow stick. You crack a glow stick and it's awesome and bright, but soon, it fades and it's just a stupid piece of plastic. That's how the cheese pouch works when you rip that paper. The only difference is that it glows with tangy cheesey flavor, and when it burns out, it's a disgusting flavorless paste. It is imperative that you eat the whole box in one sitting.

And there you have it. Science you can use.

Cop-out Friday

Just when you thought I couldn't get any lazier.

This Friday, I bring you neither a flashback, nor original content. Well, it's kind of a flashback in the sense that I posted this on facebook last June.

That's right. It's the wildly popular re-naming of all the teams in the NBA. I still don't follow sports, but someone said something about basketball and I think this might be timely again. So here it is.

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In the spirit of Pat watching boring basketball, I am going to rename all of the teams in the NBA so that I can more easily remember them. Thanks in advance to wikipedia for providing me with all the current names.

Boston Baked Beans
New Jersey T-Shirts
New York Bastards
Philadelphia Tom Hanksers
Toronto Pterodactyls
Chicago Oprahs
Cleveland Clinics
Detroit Racial Tensions
Indiana Daylight Savings
Milwaukee Vowels
Atlanta My Parents Went There For the 96 Olympics-ers
Charlotte Webs
Miami Vices
Orlando I Want to Go to Disneyworlds
Washington Wizards*
Denver Soy Chik'n Nuggets
Minnesota I Don't Know Where That Is-es
Oklahoma City Domestic Terrorists
Portland Lesser Known Hipsters
Utah Salty Mormon Lakers
Golden State Ashamed to be from Oaklanders
Los Angeles Team B
Los Angeles Team A
Phoenix, University of-ers
Sacramento Potato Sack Racers
Dallas Fort Werther's Originals
Houston Linxes
Memphis Mid-Southerners
New Orleans Tits
San Antonio Banderases

*I have no objection to the name Washington Wizards because wizards do magic and I love magic.

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Note: This has been bothering me ever since I originally posted it. I left the Washington Wizards as is, because wizards do magic. But, I renamed the Orlando Magic to reflect my love of Disney World. Explanation: I love wizards and magic, but if you think about it, Disney World IS magical. So there you go. I think we can all agree that my logic is sound.