Flashback Friday: Painful Edition

I have a code by which I live my life. It consists of just one very basic principle: You should never feel compelled when talking to someone to share your thoughts on who you think they resemble. It's harder than it sounds. Sometimes it's really tempting. But there are very few possible outcomes in this situation.

You tell someone that they look like a very attractive/appealing celebrity:
1. Oh, thanks! That person is very attractive/appealing.

You tell someone that they look like a minor and arguably not that attractive celebrity:

2. * Oh, thanks! (*sarcasm, mentally plan to kill self)

You tell a person they look like someone who they have no reason to know, like your best friend in seventh grade's brother.

3. Oh, really? Weird.

I can tell you right now, it is rare for the result to be the first outcome.

My first memory of someone doing this to me is in 5th grade. I can't even remember who it was, but a girl in my class had one of these amazing revelations that she fell compelled to share with me. She told me that I looked like that lady in Hocus Pocus. I was, of course, familiar with the film. It was about three witch sisters that are resurrected after being burned at the stake in the Salem Witch Trials 300 years ago. They proceed to create some amount of havoc in 1993 Salem. The witches were played by Better Midler, Kathy Najimi, and Sarah Jessica Parker.

I didn't know how to react, because I had no idea who this girl could be talking about. I assumed she meant the youngest one, Sarah Jessica Parker. She was definitely the most appealing of the bunch, although that comparison leaves you wondering if you have a huge nose.

No, she said. The one with the red hair.

Bette Midler??

Yes.

I was speechless. I was 10 years old and I'm pretty sure that I didn't resemble Bette Midler, let alone Bette Midler playing an ugly witch with false teeth. I don't know what my classmate was thinking, but I'm pretty sure she wasn't trying to be mean. But she pretty much sent me down a path of trying to look as un-Bette Midler-y as I could for the rest of my life. Which I guess isn't the worst thing, but it was scarring nonetheless.

Then there was the incident in 8th grade English class. Our textbook was full of various excerpts from books and plays and we were about to start reading a portion of The Diary of Anne Frank. Our teacher told us what page to turn to, and there was a short summary of the play, accompanied by a picture of Anne Frank.

Jenny Daugherty took one look at it and called out for all the class to hear, "Look! It's Jeanne!"

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit that in 8th grade, I really did kind of look like Anne Frank. But it's still not the sort of thing you want to acknowledge. Because I really feel bad harboring this kind of resentment toward poor Anne. I know she went through a lot. But then again, she never got compared to Bette Midler, so, you know. I had my own problems.

On a sidenote, when I was 16, I was cast to play Anne Frank's sister, Margot, in a shabby community theater production of that play. I was feeling pretty hot, because the director said I was too pretty to be Anne. But my friend Caitlin thought it was pretty hysterical and often reminded me how confused the audience would be by the fact that someone who looks exactly like Anne Frank was playing a different character.

Anyways, I just want to encourage you to think twice before you tell someone that they remind you of Al Gore or Kirsten Dunst or Celine Dion. Even if you think it's a favorable comparison, it's better left unsaid. Because some people think Jessica Biel is really hot. But I might think she looks like a dude.

Flashback Friday: Mistakes I've Made

We all have regrets, things we wish we could do over, if only we could just turn back time. I know Cher, for one, agrees with me on that. I know I can think of at least a few things I wish I could take back.

I remember one night, the whole family was driving in the ol' station wagon. It was dark and we were cruising down I-271. As I gazed out the window, I saw the bright lights of an Embassy Suites hotel. I was young, and I felt compelled to read a lot of signs aloud for no reason. I said, to no one in particular, "embassy suites." Only I pronounced it like "suits." I was corrected. "No, no. It sounds like sweets." What a fool, I was! Of course if there's an 'e' at the end of the word, the 'u' becomes a 'w' and the 'i' turns into a long e! Idiot! But at least I learned a valuable lesson that night. Well, I guess it wasn't that valuable. But every time I see an Embassy Suites, I feel a distinct pang of embarassment. Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut? If only.

A couple years later, I was still suffering from the annoying disease that causes a person to read things out loud for no apparent reason. My brothers were participating in Science Olympiad, a competition which, as I understand it, only lets really cool kids in. I was sitting on the couch, reading the list of events and their descriptions, when I came to the word "organisms." Ignoring a few letters, I said "orgasms." There was a collective giggle from the room. I can only assume that this is why I hate science.

In 4th grade, I made my greatest mistake of all. It was the class spelling bee and it was down to the final few contestants. I was feeling pretty cocky, spelling-wise. And then I got the word "Florida." Simple, right? I thought so. Yes, I remembered the capital F. But for some reason, I thought that Florida had another trick to it. In retrospect, I'm pretty sure I was confusing it with California. I think I got confused because I associated them both with touristy t-shirts bearing smiling neon-colored suns. So I spelled it "F-l-o-r-i-d-i-a." I still really hate myself for this one.

I try not to live in the past, dwelling on mispronounced words and lost spelling bees. Every day is a struggle. But until time travel is perfected, I just have to take comfort in the fact that I won the 5th grade spelling bee. Booya!