New year, same old tales from the grocery store

So it's 2010. And to celebrate, I thought I'd talk about some of the hardships that I face at the grocery store.

Today, I went to Trader Joe's to buy milk. Crazy, I know, but I swear this is a true story. I was pretty excited, this being my first gallon of milk in the new year and all.

As I was preparing my credit card for swiping, I witnessed this scene, one line over:

Girl getting ready to check out: Oh my GOD! I forgot to get hummus! (To cashier) Can I go run and get some hummus??

Cashier: Sure.

This is one of those common grocery store occurrences that really puzzles me. The employee at Trader Joe's doesn't care that you forgot your hummus. Here's what you need to do:

Get out of line. Get your hummus. And now, get back in line. You don't even need to ask permission. It seems to me, that by asking if you can "run" and get it, you think that the line will cease to operate until you're back with your hummus and all is right with the world. I know you're trying to convey the speediness with which you can procure hummus, but no matter how fast you are, you are wasting people's time.

There was only one person in line behind her. So, naturally, as the girl was on her great hummus run, the cashier started ringing up the next person. And when she returned, I'm sure she was confused. "Wait? Why is this other person paying for their groceries? I was just running to get the hummus. I even asked if it was okay!"

I think the problem is that a large number of people in this country don't understand how a line works. I'm going to venture a guess that it's somewhere around 15 percent. Because this also happens all the time: I'm standing in a long line at the grocery store. A person gets in line behind me. Then they tap my shoulder and say, "Oh, could you save my spot? I'll be right back." They proceed to leave their cart or basket in the empty space behind me, while they presumably run to get some hummus or whatever.

Inevitably, the line begins to move (as lines often do). Now I'm faced with a dilemma. Should I shirk my responsibilities as spot-saver, or do I now have to also move their cart/basket as the line moves so that there's not that confusing gap in the line? I know that if I don't move it, someone else will come up to the line and say to me, "Is this yours?" And I'll have to say, "No...but, it's, I'm saving... this spot."

Once again, if everyone understood the complicated mechanics of a line, this wouldn't happen. First of all, a line works when people stand in it. You stand in it, and eventually, you get to the place you're trying to go. But if you get in it, and then you realize that you have to leave for some reason, you just get out. And then, when you're ready, you can get back in the line. But not where you once stood. No sir. You start over. You go to the end of the line. It's very simple. And if you are so bold as to ask for someone to save your spot, it would not be the person who's already in front of you. They have no interest in what happens behind them in line. You have to ask the person behind you. And if there is no person behind you, then you're not really losing much by getting out of the line, are you?

Good luck, my fellow Americans. If you have any further questions about standing in a line in the grocery store, I should be happy to answer them. I'm something of an expert on this matter.

Twitter

Have you heard of this Twitter thing? What's that all about? Is it another way for predators to find my children?

I'm just playing. I know what it is. And I don't normally like to join in the discussion on such hot topics as Twitter. Fortunately, I don't really have anything to say about Twitter.

But I kept hearing this sound bite on the radio while I was driving the other day. It was something about Twitter and the guys that started it and the one guy recalls how someone in the early days said about it, "Yeah it's fun, but it's not useful." And then one of the founders retorts, "So is ice cream."

Yeah!

Wait, what?

Ice cream is great and all, and I guess it's not NOT fun. But I don't think it's a very good parallel. I see what you're trying to do. You're saying, "Hey, ice cream might not have a real purpose, but people still buy it and eat it and love it. Our stupid thing is like that." But here's the problem. Twitter is not food.

Ok, Twitter guy. I'll break it down for you. Ice cream is something you eat. Twitter is...not that. Ok, I lied. I don't really get what Twitter is, still. But I DO know that you cannot eat it. To my knowledge, it contains no sugar, cream, or morsels of candy.

It does, however, seem to occupy a lot of people's time. Free time, work time, ice cream time. It's always working its way in there. And I will grant that maybe people might find it fun.

But when you open a carton of ice cream, and bring it to the table, no one goes, "Oh! What fun!"

No, they like it because it tastes good. And sometimes it fills the void that exists deep inside you where love and happiness should be. They might say, "Mmm." Or "Yum." Something along those lines. Or "Aack, this won't make bathing suit shopping any easier!" I guess maybe that last one only applies if you dine with Cathy from "Cathy." But you get it. When describing ice cream, one would tend to use words that indicate that it tastes good.

I'll be straight with you. I don't even like ice cream that much. I mean, I enjoy it when I eat it. But I would rather have some chips and salsa. Like, right now. But I don't think that's tainting my perspective on ice cream. I hear people talk. And I have never heard something call ice cream, "fun."

I'll prove it.

Word I've heard people use to describe ice cream:
Delicious
Decadent
Tasty
Creamy
Lactose-y
Rich
Heavenly
Lip-smacking-tacular

Words I have never heard people use to describe ice cream:
Fun

So now who's smart, Twitter guys? Maybe if you learned some new, more appropriate adjectives, you wouldn't have to boil every thought down to 140 characters. Hm?