Red Box Roundup
Sometimes, I go to the grocery store for some blueberries and diet root beer, and as I pass the Red Box, I am suddenly powerless. I have no choice but to surrender a dollar in exchange for a terrible, horrible movie. This is the problem with the Red Box. It's only a dollar. Also, since there is no human contact involved in renting from the box, I am not subject to the much-deserved shame and judgement that would normally accompany picking up Lindsay Lohan's newest straight-to-video atrocity, Labor Pains.
But I did it. Am I proud of it? No. Is it even worse than you could have imagined. Absolutely, yes it is.
Have you ever heard of it? Probably not. Because it's not a real movie. I think it might have been on ABC Family or something.
*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS*
The premise is that Lindsay is a somewhat functional adult woman with a job. I know, it's already pretty ridiculous. Anyways, she works at a publishing house and her boss is mean. She is about to get fired for talking shit about him, but makes a last-ditch attempt to save her job by saying that she is pregnant, though she is not. It was a really suspenseful scene.
And that's where it gets confusing. Her boss quickly consults with the legal team and concludes that he cannot, in fact, fire her. I'm not a lawyer, or part of a team, but i'm pretty sure this is not true. As long I can trust Yahoo Answers, and I know I can, you cannot fire a woman because she is pregnant. But for some reason, I don't think that prohibits you from firing a woman that is pregnant. Especially when said woman is clearly lying and/or Lindsay Lohan.
Lindsay's comrade at the office is played by Cheryl Hines. This seems an unlikely frienship and makes me feel sad. Why does this Cheryl Hines character need to be friends with this girl? Also confusing is that the cast might make you think this is a comedy. Cheryl Hines is funny. Her boss is played by Chris Parnell. But the movie isn't funny. Or at least, not in the traditional sense of the word.
Lindsay is apparently also completely incapable of doing math. As a girl, I understand this to a degree. But I usually find counting pretty manageable. But when questioned by her mean boss, she claims to be due in October which makes her 4 months pregnant. Oops! Then the older, wiser Cheryl Hines (who knows the truth) helps Lindsay out and tells her she needs to look pregnant or people will get suspicious. So she steals a padded belly from a maternity store and tells Lindsay to wear it. So the obviously non-pregnant girl, goes to having a decent-sized pregnant belly overnight. Is this not more suspicious? I guess the moral of the story, is that women are totally retarded. Or at least the ones that are secretaries.
There are also what I think are some really awkward references to present-day trainwreck Lindsay Lohan. In one scene, Cheryl Hines makes a joke about her having crabs. I feel like that might hit a little too close to home. I'm not saying I know if LiLo has ever had crabs, but I'm pretty sure she's been accused of having most every STD in the book, and that's something they might want to steer clear of.
Later, Lindsay goes to pick up her little sister, who she is inexplicably the custodian of, and her sister asks if she's been drinking. Lindsay then tells her sis, "You're 17. You're the one that should be drinking and smoking." Ahhhhh haha, see, that's funny. Because Lindsay Lohan herself was known for quite a lot of drinking and smoking as a teenager. That's funny right?
Anyways, I think I stopped paying attention sometime in the middle. Something happens where suddenly her boss is a young nice guy that she's going to fall in love with. And then she gets a promotion and she's in charge of some book about pregnancy. It seems to pick up toward the end - Lindsay starts acting really nuts and seems to think that she really is pregnant.
Naturally, she has to be discovered at some point, so her sister destroys the fake belly and Lindsay resorts to using a balloon to simulate her belly. Believe it or not, the balloon pops at an inopportune moment and she is humiliated and the nice guy is shocked and dismayed.
But don't worry. She wins his affections back in a confusing turn of events involving a talk show hosted by Janeane Garafolo.
Cut to two years later, and she is ACTUALLY pregnant and going into labor. Or so they want you to believe. I think in the sequel we will find out that it's a fake again and that she learned nothing from this experience.
So the point is, send me a dollar.
But I did it. Am I proud of it? No. Is it even worse than you could have imagined. Absolutely, yes it is.
Have you ever heard of it? Probably not. Because it's not a real movie. I think it might have been on ABC Family or something.
*MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS*
The premise is that Lindsay is a somewhat functional adult woman with a job. I know, it's already pretty ridiculous. Anyways, she works at a publishing house and her boss is mean. She is about to get fired for talking shit about him, but makes a last-ditch attempt to save her job by saying that she is pregnant, though she is not. It was a really suspenseful scene.
And that's where it gets confusing. Her boss quickly consults with the legal team and concludes that he cannot, in fact, fire her. I'm not a lawyer, or part of a team, but i'm pretty sure this is not true. As long I can trust Yahoo Answers, and I know I can, you cannot fire a woman because she is pregnant. But for some reason, I don't think that prohibits you from firing a woman that is pregnant. Especially when said woman is clearly lying and/or Lindsay Lohan.
Lindsay's comrade at the office is played by Cheryl Hines. This seems an unlikely frienship and makes me feel sad. Why does this Cheryl Hines character need to be friends with this girl? Also confusing is that the cast might make you think this is a comedy. Cheryl Hines is funny. Her boss is played by Chris Parnell. But the movie isn't funny. Or at least, not in the traditional sense of the word.
Lindsay is apparently also completely incapable of doing math. As a girl, I understand this to a degree. But I usually find counting pretty manageable. But when questioned by her mean boss, she claims to be due in October which makes her 4 months pregnant. Oops! Then the older, wiser Cheryl Hines (who knows the truth) helps Lindsay out and tells her she needs to look pregnant or people will get suspicious. So she steals a padded belly from a maternity store and tells Lindsay to wear it. So the obviously non-pregnant girl, goes to having a decent-sized pregnant belly overnight. Is this not more suspicious? I guess the moral of the story, is that women are totally retarded. Or at least the ones that are secretaries.
There are also what I think are some really awkward references to present-day trainwreck Lindsay Lohan. In one scene, Cheryl Hines makes a joke about her having crabs. I feel like that might hit a little too close to home. I'm not saying I know if LiLo has ever had crabs, but I'm pretty sure she's been accused of having most every STD in the book, and that's something they might want to steer clear of.
Later, Lindsay goes to pick up her little sister, who she is inexplicably the custodian of, and her sister asks if she's been drinking. Lindsay then tells her sis, "You're 17. You're the one that should be drinking and smoking." Ahhhhh haha, see, that's funny. Because Lindsay Lohan herself was known for quite a lot of drinking and smoking as a teenager. That's funny right?
Anyways, I think I stopped paying attention sometime in the middle. Something happens where suddenly her boss is a young nice guy that she's going to fall in love with. And then she gets a promotion and she's in charge of some book about pregnancy. It seems to pick up toward the end - Lindsay starts acting really nuts and seems to think that she really is pregnant.
Naturally, she has to be discovered at some point, so her sister destroys the fake belly and Lindsay resorts to using a balloon to simulate her belly. Believe it or not, the balloon pops at an inopportune moment and she is humiliated and the nice guy is shocked and dismayed.
But don't worry. She wins his affections back in a confusing turn of events involving a talk show hosted by Janeane Garafolo.
Cut to two years later, and she is ACTUALLY pregnant and going into labor. Or so they want you to believe. I think in the sequel we will find out that it's a fake again and that she learned nothing from this experience.
So the point is, send me a dollar.
Labels: bad ideas
posted by lady at 10:52 PM
1 Comments:
My friend, Alma Jean Smith, who had sung opera with the Met in NYC, had a contract to sing in Munich, Germany. They were going to get rid of her, so she said, "before you say anything, I have something to tell you: I'm pregnant." Not only could they not get rid of her, they had to pay her a good percentage of her salary the entire pregnancy.
She also sang at our wedding!
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