Private Eye

Upon returning to LA, I am usually prepared for two things: 1. Being disappointed that my apartment is, in fact, as small as I remembered it. 2. Needing to fix something with my car.

The ol' Oldsmobile Intrigue punishes me for leaving. And this time was no different. Although this time, it was leaking gasoline. I've heard this can be bad, so I sucked it up and took it to the shop. Having no idea how long I would be waiting, I went next door to a cafe and settled in for a leisurely lunch.

I have never eaten so slowly in all my life. I even ordered coffee in the hopes that it would prolong the time that I could reasonably sit in the air conditioned facility. I don't normally drink coffee, but it seemed like the thing to do.

I lasted exactly one hour and ten minutes. I ventured back out into the non-air conditioned world. I approximate the temperature to have been around 380 degrees. According to weather.com, it was 87. But you really can't trust everything you read on the internet.

As I passed the auto shop, I saw that my car was still parked on the street. I began to worry. It's been over an hour, and I've pretty much exhausted my waiting options. So I did what anyone in my situation would do. I stalked some college kids in a grocery store.

I didn't initially plan to. But as I stood behind these two backpack-wearing gentlemen, waiting to cross Venice Blvd, I got to thinking. Why are they wearing backpacks? Where are they going? Would they notice if I followed them? Should I probably not drink coffee ever again?

So I followed them. I followed them across the street, and straight into the Ralph's grocery store. Guy Number 1, I'll call him Sunburn, grabbed a basket. Interesting. So Sunburn and Jansport took off. First stop, the meat section. I observed as Sunburn studied the various grades of ground beef. He settled on 80% lean. I pretended to study salad dressings.

Next they moved on to poultry. They spent a long time studying the chicken. Jansport was not going to rush into anything with the poultry. Though, if they were observing me, I would have appeared supremely engrossed in the varieties of rice. Ultimately, they decided against chicken. They grabbed some flour tortillas and took off.

Next stop, booze alley. Oh yes. These were college dudes. And they spent a long, long time weighing the pros and cons of beer vs. liquor. I perused the greeting cards, and Sunburn stared long and hard at a bottle of "Prestige Edition" tequila. With an 8.99 price tag, tequila really doesn't get more prestigious than that.

Jansport led the way to household items. A 12-pack of Charmin. Respectable. I myself have a hard time buying large quantities of toilet paper.

I then decided that I was awfully conspicuous, walking around the grocery store without a cart or a basket, so I quickly grabbed an angel food cake from the bakery. It was perfect. "Oh me? I'm just a regular shopper. See? I have an angel food cake under my arm."

But this little cae jaunt caused me to lose my targets. And where did they run off to, but the liquor section! Sunburn was having second thoughts. He replaced the Prestige tequila, opting instead for a Prestige light rum (only $5.99) and a $1.99 Mai Tai mix. I wasn't able to tell him this, but I think he made the right decision. Especially in this tough economic climate.

Armed with my cake, I followed them to the frozen section. I'm pretty certain there is no way that they failed to notice that I was following them. But what's crazier? Following strangers around a grocery store, or accusing a stranger of following you around a grocery store? Well, I guess it's the following strangers around a grocery store. But who are they to judge? Sunburn grabbed a frozen pizza and Jansport got a bag of ice. Surely, this was the end of the trip.

But wait! They forgot the taco seasoning. That was a close one, Jansport.

They got into line, and I considered getting behind them, but I didn't actually want to buy the angel food cake. Instead I perused an Oprah magazine and observed my subjects.

It was pretty boring, so I went to return my cake. As I returned, I saw them walking to the exit, bags in hand. I prepared my mental goodbyes, and just as they went through the doors, the security alarm went off. I think it was fate. I don't think any of us were ready for this to end. But end it did. And as they backpacked their way home, I had a lot to think about. First, I don't think I would make a good private eye. Second, I hope they think of me when they drink their cheap Mai Tai's. Third, if anyone needs me to follow somene around a grocery store and report on what they buy, my rates are negotiable. And finally, I don't think I should drink coffee anymore.