I'm just a girl
Well, it was bound to happen. Pat has been out of town for almost a week and my most terrible nightmare became a reality tonight. A cockroach. A fast-moving cockroach. In my home. What the fuck am I to do?
I'll tell you what I did do. I came dangerously close to having a heart attack. I'm sitting on the couch, talking to my brother on the phone, when all of a sudden I see it. It's the size of a small dog and it bolts across the floor and disappears right under the vaccuum cleaner. I start chanting obscenities and tell Joe I'll call him back. I no longer have fine motor skills, but am somehow able to grab one of Pat's heavy shoes. I run over to the vaccuum. It might not even be under there anymore. For all I know, it is in my bed, just waiting to literally scare me to death.
I've got the shoe in my hand, but am seriously paralyzed in terror. My brain is trying to send messages to my body, but it just isn't responding. "Kick the vaccuum." "Pick up the vaccuum." "Do something." "Move in some way." But I can't do it. I'm staring at the shoe, wondering if I'm holding it correctly. Maybe I should put my hand in the shoes instead of holding the edge. Should I hold it by the toe or by the heel? I realize that I may be overthinking it, and finally I kick the vaccuum. Nothing happens which simultaneously scares and delights me. But it's still there. And it knows I'm here. I kick the vaccuum harder. Still nothing. I have a serious case of tremors. Finally, I try moving the vaccuum a little by the handle and shit! It scurries out and right back under in less than a second. I repeat this process several times. Each time it appears, it gets scarier. It actually starts jumping straight up in the air before retreating to under the vaccuum.
And then I have a moment of brilliance. It won't budge from under the vaccuum. So all I need to do is plug that baby in, hit the button, and it will be sucked into captivity. Shaking uncontrollably, I grab the cord, and plug it in, but my nerves are such that I seriously cannot figure out how to turn the vaccuum on. I vaccuum a couple times a week, so this is fairly unusual. I'm getting more frantic, wondering if it's possible that I somehow broke off the pedal that turns the machine on. And then I realize that it's the big red pedal. I hit it and jump back. I can see the dust and hairballs swirling around in the canister. But no gigantic cockroach. This is unsettling. Is it clogging the machinery? Or did it run away and jump into my bed? No, it is now on the wall, inches behind the vaccuum. In a desperate act, I pull the hose out of the vaccuum and point it at the monster. It disappears in the hose, but I still don't see it iappear in the canister. I then proceed to leave the vaccuum running for a good five minutes. It's now 1:30 am and my neighbors are probably wondering what the fuck is up.
I'm keeping my distance, but I'm still waiting to see it appear in the canister. I see dust. I see hair. But no cockroach. I call Joe back. And suddenly I see it! I'm ecstatic and tremendously grossed out. It's slowly crawling around in a circle, semi-covered in dust. Big-ass antennae and everything. And yes, I feel guilty for using what must be the most cruel and unusual method of trapping/killing a bug ever. So, I'm sorry, ok? But it was the best I could do. Anyways, an hour later, I'm still awake. I'm terrified that it's going to somehow be able to crawl through the inner workings of the vaccuum and escape in the night. Periodically, I turn the vaccuum back on, just to confuse him. I thought of just throwing the vaccuum outside, but I'm worried that as soon as I open the door, 3 more cockroaches will run inside.
If I had a shotgun, I would probably sit on the couch all night long, just watching my trusty Bissell Powerforce, waiting for any new developments. But alas, I do not own any firearms. It's probably for the best, because I'm a little jumpy.
But here's the point to take home from this. Ladies: this is why you need a boyfriend. Or a live-in manservant. Blah, blah, blah, feminism, but girls should not ever have to deal with something like this on their own. My Pat might not be a hulking man that could protect me from a grizzly bear, but he has proven himself against scary bugs on many occasions. So if you're a single gal, I say, grab the nearest guy and give him a shot. At the very least, he is a genetically superior bug killer. And if that's really not an option, you should at least have a bagless vaccuum. Seriously.
I'll tell you what I did do. I came dangerously close to having a heart attack. I'm sitting on the couch, talking to my brother on the phone, when all of a sudden I see it. It's the size of a small dog and it bolts across the floor and disappears right under the vaccuum cleaner. I start chanting obscenities and tell Joe I'll call him back. I no longer have fine motor skills, but am somehow able to grab one of Pat's heavy shoes. I run over to the vaccuum. It might not even be under there anymore. For all I know, it is in my bed, just waiting to literally scare me to death.
I've got the shoe in my hand, but am seriously paralyzed in terror. My brain is trying to send messages to my body, but it just isn't responding. "Kick the vaccuum." "Pick up the vaccuum." "Do something." "Move in some way." But I can't do it. I'm staring at the shoe, wondering if I'm holding it correctly. Maybe I should put my hand in the shoes instead of holding the edge. Should I hold it by the toe or by the heel? I realize that I may be overthinking it, and finally I kick the vaccuum. Nothing happens which simultaneously scares and delights me. But it's still there. And it knows I'm here. I kick the vaccuum harder. Still nothing. I have a serious case of tremors. Finally, I try moving the vaccuum a little by the handle and shit! It scurries out and right back under in less than a second. I repeat this process several times. Each time it appears, it gets scarier. It actually starts jumping straight up in the air before retreating to under the vaccuum.
And then I have a moment of brilliance. It won't budge from under the vaccuum. So all I need to do is plug that baby in, hit the button, and it will be sucked into captivity. Shaking uncontrollably, I grab the cord, and plug it in, but my nerves are such that I seriously cannot figure out how to turn the vaccuum on. I vaccuum a couple times a week, so this is fairly unusual. I'm getting more frantic, wondering if it's possible that I somehow broke off the pedal that turns the machine on. And then I realize that it's the big red pedal. I hit it and jump back. I can see the dust and hairballs swirling around in the canister. But no gigantic cockroach. This is unsettling. Is it clogging the machinery? Or did it run away and jump into my bed? No, it is now on the wall, inches behind the vaccuum. In a desperate act, I pull the hose out of the vaccuum and point it at the monster. It disappears in the hose, but I still don't see it iappear in the canister. I then proceed to leave the vaccuum running for a good five minutes. It's now 1:30 am and my neighbors are probably wondering what the fuck is up.
I'm keeping my distance, but I'm still waiting to see it appear in the canister. I see dust. I see hair. But no cockroach. I call Joe back. And suddenly I see it! I'm ecstatic and tremendously grossed out. It's slowly crawling around in a circle, semi-covered in dust. Big-ass antennae and everything. And yes, I feel guilty for using what must be the most cruel and unusual method of trapping/killing a bug ever. So, I'm sorry, ok? But it was the best I could do. Anyways, an hour later, I'm still awake. I'm terrified that it's going to somehow be able to crawl through the inner workings of the vaccuum and escape in the night. Periodically, I turn the vaccuum back on, just to confuse him. I thought of just throwing the vaccuum outside, but I'm worried that as soon as I open the door, 3 more cockroaches will run inside.
If I had a shotgun, I would probably sit on the couch all night long, just watching my trusty Bissell Powerforce, waiting for any new developments. But alas, I do not own any firearms. It's probably for the best, because I'm a little jumpy.
But here's the point to take home from this. Ladies: this is why you need a boyfriend. Or a live-in manservant. Blah, blah, blah, feminism, but girls should not ever have to deal with something like this on their own. My Pat might not be a hulking man that could protect me from a grizzly bear, but he has proven himself against scary bugs on many occasions. So if you're a single gal, I say, grab the nearest guy and give him a shot. At the very least, he is a genetically superior bug killer. And if that's really not an option, you should at least have a bagless vaccuum. Seriously.
posted by lady at 4:57 AM
1 Comments:
This exact thing happened to me when Jack was away at the fire-station! I had it happen with a little lizard...or gecko, or it may as well have been a Tyrannosaurs Rex. I eventually trapped it under a glass until he came home and freed it. I laughed soo hard I cried at this one. Esp about holding of the shoe correctly. I totally understand, friend. You MUST have a man around for these occasions:)
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