Oprah

I just heard Oprah reveal that she just got her first cell phone. Now first, I want to give you a minute to get over what is undoubtedly shock and awe that I was sitting at home watching Oprah at 3 pm on a Wednesday.

Ok now, you, like the live studio audience, are probably also shocked that Oprah, the most powerful, rich, scary woman in America, did not have a cell phone. OPRAH, of all people. No cell phone! She was real casual about it too. "Yeah, first one. Yeah, I didn't want one. I never wanted one. I just never wanted one. Now I have one," with that air of superiority that people who refuse to embrace technology usually have.

Anyways, this does not surprise me in the least, for a variety of reasons.
1. SHE IS OPRAH. She makes 225 million dollars in a year. She does not need a cell phone. She has an army of employees and assistants and possibly indentured servants. If she needs to reach someone, she has one of those many people call them. Because all of them have cell phones. It's like how Amish people claim not to use cars and shit, but they're perfectly happy to ride around in a car as long as someone else is driving. So there you go - Oprah and the Amish = hyprocrites.

2. She is 54 years old. Now, it's true that most 54 year-olds in this country probably have cell phones. But see point #1. If she is ever alone in her mansion and she needs to call her weird lady friend, Gail, she probably uses the landline like most 50-something people have.

3. She is OPRAH. If Oprah said she didn't have a toilet, I'd say, sure, that makes sense. She probably only likes to go to the bathroom in Fiji, so when nature calls, she just hops on her jewel-encrusted private jet so that she can tinkle in the pure Artesian water of the Yaqara Valley. And that would not surprise me.

4. She is Oprah. And she thinks she's better than you. And let's be honest. She probably is. I heard that she only pees in Fiji.

Happiest Place

I'm kind of a freak when it comes to Disney. I mean, I don't have any sassy Tinkerbell bumper stickers, and I don't wear Winnie the Pooh pajamas (anymore), and I'm not getting married in Cinderella's castle or anything, but I feel a very strong attachment to the whole Disney thing. My family used to go to Disney World for every Easter vacation starting when I was 3 years old, so I have a lot of fond memories of all things Mickey.

Of course by the time I got to my surlier, more anti-establishment high school years, I went through a phase where I thought I was too cool and independent-minded for such evil corporate fun.

Well, that phase is over my friends. I went to Disneyland with my mom and dad a couple weeks ago and it is the happiest fucking place on earth. It turns out, I don't give a crap how giant and corporate Disney is. I don't care if they own everything on the planet from ABC to Miley Cyrus. I don't even care that a Mickey Mouse ice cream bar is 4 dollars. It's worth it. I have no problem selling my soul to Disney Corp in order to enjoy some good old-fashioned, overpriced fun.

Sure it's basically a living advertisement for all the tv and movies they own, but it's hard not to enjoy it. I don't mind that the Pirates of the Caribbean ride which inspired the hit movies now includes several animatronic Johnny Depp pirates, in a strange example of art imitating rides imitating movies based on rides. It's all fun.

And I appreciate that forgotten 80's movies like Honey I Shrunk the Kids with stars like Rick Moranis, who as far as I know have since fallen off the face of the earth, are forever immortalized in cheesy 3-D movie experiences, e.g. "Honey I Shrunk the Audience." Even though I know that when the mouse gets into the crazy inventor machine and hundreds of clone mice start running loose in the theater, something is going to come out from under my seat and tickle the back of my legs, I still get a kick out of the whole thing - Rick Moranis, 3-D glasses and all.

I like the new rides like Space Mountain, and the old ones like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. I appreciate that most of the old rides in Storybook Land are all pretty much exactly like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, only with different pictures on the walls.

I also like the creepy singing animatronic birds and flowers in the inexplicably musty-smelling Enchanted Tiki Room. And above all, I appreciate what a freak Walt Disney himself was for loving singing animatronics so very very much.

So yes it's a big corporate monster. And yes it's a money-gouging operation. And yes, Hannah Montana is a terrifying phenomenon. But it's undeniably fun. And I am fine with overlooking corporate greed and whatever else to partake in some creepy animatronic fun.