Dear Humans, I don't get you.
I feel like, lately, the world has been going out of its way to remind me how weird some people are. So I present to you three examples of puzzling human behavior:
1. Having a jam session at 10 am on a Monday.
This particular offense come courtesy of my weird neighbor. I don't really know him, but he lives about 10 feet away from me, and I'm pretty sure that he disappears for months at a time. When I do see him, he usually doesn't seem to notice or recognize me. For a long time, I thought I had offended him somehow, but then I figured out that he is just a crackhead. When it's 100 degrees outside, you might see him hurrying down the sidewalk in a hooded sweatshirt and a winter hat. He lives in a studio that is approximately 200 square feet. I saw it once. He doesn't really have anything in it. It's just a murphy bed, and of course, a drum kit. In the 2 years or so that he's lived there, I have never once heard him play his drums. That is, until this Monday. I was sitting on my couch, watching my normal daytime programs, when I saw him and another guy, walking back to his place. They then proceeded to have a little Monday morning jam session. It lasted for about an hour. It wasn't the worst thing I've ever heard, but it was sort of confusing to me. This seemed like an odd time to rock out, in my opinion. 10 am is a good time to get brunch. Or be at work, if you're so daring. But to have a buddy over to play some sweet percussive tunes? I don't know.
2. Spitting your chewing gum out on the elliptical machine at the gym.
I belong to a gym. LA Fitness, to be exact. And as someone that occasionally washes the bottom of my shoes because I am concerned with the germs that might be living on them, I think it's safe to say that I have some issues with the cleanliness of gyms. You have all these people sweating and touching things, and sometimes grunting (which I realize isn't a sanitary issue, but it grosses me out nonetheless.) It's disgusting. But I've learned to accept it. I just try to touch as few surfaces as possible and take a scalding shower as soon as I get home. The point is, gyms are disgusting enough as it is. That is why you, disgusting LA Fitness patron, should not feel the need to put your used chewing gum on the ledge of the elliptical machine. I understand your predicament. You're chewing gum. You're going to work out. You don't want your gum anymore. What do you do??? Obviously, getting off the machine and throwing it in some sort of waste receptacle isn't an option. I mean, I don't know why it's not an option, but I assume that if it were an option, that's what you would have done. And you don't want to swallow it, because I heard in 2nd grade that if swallow gum, it will stay in your stomach for 7 years. And we can't have that. And I'm sure you couldn't have just kept it in your mouth. Because that's unpleasant. It had probably lost its flavor. Well. I guess you did what you had to do. Nevermind.
3. Writing a comment to no one in particular, in a library book.
I recently got some books from the library. I actually hate library books. Oddly enough, part of that is for reasons of cleanliness and gum. (One of the last library books I checked out had a big wad of hardened gum stuck to the cover. Maybe it's me?) But I am thrifty, so I'm not going to buy every book I want to read. I just started reading what appeared to be a clean and gum-free library book, when I got to a little handwritten note in the margins. A line in the book read "he seemed to me wise - silent and massive like a Buddha in wire-framed glasses." In blue pen, someone has put quotes around the words "silent and massive" and then drawn an asterisk. In the blank space below it, they have written *The Buddha was NOT fat.
Now, first of all, the book doesn't even say that the Buddha is "fat." Second of all, I'm no expert on the Buddha or anything, but I think I get what the author is going for here. I think it's some sort of literary thing. I don't know. But this blue pen wielding library patron is not going to stand for this misinformation. My god! I might have gone on reading this book, thinking about how fat the Buddha is, if not for his/her correction. Thank you, defender of truth and Buddha.
1. Having a jam session at 10 am on a Monday.
This particular offense come courtesy of my weird neighbor. I don't really know him, but he lives about 10 feet away from me, and I'm pretty sure that he disappears for months at a time. When I do see him, he usually doesn't seem to notice or recognize me. For a long time, I thought I had offended him somehow, but then I figured out that he is just a crackhead. When it's 100 degrees outside, you might see him hurrying down the sidewalk in a hooded sweatshirt and a winter hat. He lives in a studio that is approximately 200 square feet. I saw it once. He doesn't really have anything in it. It's just a murphy bed, and of course, a drum kit. In the 2 years or so that he's lived there, I have never once heard him play his drums. That is, until this Monday. I was sitting on my couch, watching my normal daytime programs, when I saw him and another guy, walking back to his place. They then proceeded to have a little Monday morning jam session. It lasted for about an hour. It wasn't the worst thing I've ever heard, but it was sort of confusing to me. This seemed like an odd time to rock out, in my opinion. 10 am is a good time to get brunch. Or be at work, if you're so daring. But to have a buddy over to play some sweet percussive tunes? I don't know.
2. Spitting your chewing gum out on the elliptical machine at the gym.
I belong to a gym. LA Fitness, to be exact. And as someone that occasionally washes the bottom of my shoes because I am concerned with the germs that might be living on them, I think it's safe to say that I have some issues with the cleanliness of gyms. You have all these people sweating and touching things, and sometimes grunting (which I realize isn't a sanitary issue, but it grosses me out nonetheless.) It's disgusting. But I've learned to accept it. I just try to touch as few surfaces as possible and take a scalding shower as soon as I get home. The point is, gyms are disgusting enough as it is. That is why you, disgusting LA Fitness patron, should not feel the need to put your used chewing gum on the ledge of the elliptical machine. I understand your predicament. You're chewing gum. You're going to work out. You don't want your gum anymore. What do you do??? Obviously, getting off the machine and throwing it in some sort of waste receptacle isn't an option. I mean, I don't know why it's not an option, but I assume that if it were an option, that's what you would have done. And you don't want to swallow it, because I heard in 2nd grade that if swallow gum, it will stay in your stomach for 7 years. And we can't have that. And I'm sure you couldn't have just kept it in your mouth. Because that's unpleasant. It had probably lost its flavor. Well. I guess you did what you had to do. Nevermind.
3. Writing a comment to no one in particular, in a library book.
I recently got some books from the library. I actually hate library books. Oddly enough, part of that is for reasons of cleanliness and gum. (One of the last library books I checked out had a big wad of hardened gum stuck to the cover. Maybe it's me?) But I am thrifty, so I'm not going to buy every book I want to read. I just started reading what appeared to be a clean and gum-free library book, when I got to a little handwritten note in the margins. A line in the book read "he seemed to me wise - silent and massive like a Buddha in wire-framed glasses." In blue pen, someone has put quotes around the words "silent and massive" and then drawn an asterisk. In the blank space below it, they have written *The Buddha was NOT fat.
Now, first of all, the book doesn't even say that the Buddha is "fat." Second of all, I'm no expert on the Buddha or anything, but I think I get what the author is going for here. I think it's some sort of literary thing. I don't know. But this blue pen wielding library patron is not going to stand for this misinformation. My god! I might have gone on reading this book, thinking about how fat the Buddha is, if not for his/her correction. Thank you, defender of truth and Buddha.
posted by lady at 8:10 PM
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