Flashback Friday: Painful Edition

I have a code by which I live my life. It consists of just one very basic principle: You should never feel compelled when talking to someone to share your thoughts on who you think they resemble. It's harder than it sounds. Sometimes it's really tempting. But there are very few possible outcomes in this situation.

You tell someone that they look like a very attractive/appealing celebrity:
1. Oh, thanks! That person is very attractive/appealing.

You tell someone that they look like a minor and arguably not that attractive celebrity:

2. * Oh, thanks! (*sarcasm, mentally plan to kill self)

You tell a person they look like someone who they have no reason to know, like your best friend in seventh grade's brother.

3. Oh, really? Weird.

I can tell you right now, it is rare for the result to be the first outcome.

My first memory of someone doing this to me is in 5th grade. I can't even remember who it was, but a girl in my class had one of these amazing revelations that she fell compelled to share with me. She told me that I looked like that lady in Hocus Pocus. I was, of course, familiar with the film. It was about three witch sisters that are resurrected after being burned at the stake in the Salem Witch Trials 300 years ago. They proceed to create some amount of havoc in 1993 Salem. The witches were played by Better Midler, Kathy Najimi, and Sarah Jessica Parker.

I didn't know how to react, because I had no idea who this girl could be talking about. I assumed she meant the youngest one, Sarah Jessica Parker. She was definitely the most appealing of the bunch, although that comparison leaves you wondering if you have a huge nose.

No, she said. The one with the red hair.

Bette Midler??

Yes.

I was speechless. I was 10 years old and I'm pretty sure that I didn't resemble Bette Midler, let alone Bette Midler playing an ugly witch with false teeth. I don't know what my classmate was thinking, but I'm pretty sure she wasn't trying to be mean. But she pretty much sent me down a path of trying to look as un-Bette Midler-y as I could for the rest of my life. Which I guess isn't the worst thing, but it was scarring nonetheless.

Then there was the incident in 8th grade English class. Our textbook was full of various excerpts from books and plays and we were about to start reading a portion of The Diary of Anne Frank. Our teacher told us what page to turn to, and there was a short summary of the play, accompanied by a picture of Anne Frank.

Jenny Daugherty took one look at it and called out for all the class to hear, "Look! It's Jeanne!"

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit that in 8th grade, I really did kind of look like Anne Frank. But it's still not the sort of thing you want to acknowledge. Because I really feel bad harboring this kind of resentment toward poor Anne. I know she went through a lot. But then again, she never got compared to Bette Midler, so, you know. I had my own problems.

On a sidenote, when I was 16, I was cast to play Anne Frank's sister, Margot, in a shabby community theater production of that play. I was feeling pretty hot, because the director said I was too pretty to be Anne. But my friend Caitlin thought it was pretty hysterical and often reminded me how confused the audience would be by the fact that someone who looks exactly like Anne Frank was playing a different character.

Anyways, I just want to encourage you to think twice before you tell someone that they remind you of Al Gore or Kirsten Dunst or Celine Dion. Even if you think it's a favorable comparison, it's better left unsaid. Because some people think Jessica Biel is really hot. But I might think she looks like a dude.